Lost; Alice in Wonderland; Dance

Pictures speak more than words. For the first time, let them depict my life and emotions.

There you go. It summarizes everything. I pray that I’d have to strength to carry on.

Mummy-fied me.

                               

Me in my Grave clothes

This is me in my current state. I feel like I’m stuck in miry clay, the more I struggle, the deeper I sink.

To many this may be trivial, but I’m struggling and feel like I’m fighting for a lost cause.

I really don’t want to be a dead man walking. Even if I glow on the outside, sin is gnawing in the inside of me.

Please keep me in prayers. No more double standards, living double lives.

I miss dance like crazy.

Doctor woes

Why?

Doctors nowadays really appear so fucked up. Sorry, thats the most apt description I can find. I mean, I’m here for help, for advice. All you can say is sorry? I can’t be of much help and want to walk out on me hastily? And close my case? Wtf.

& my physiotherapist too. (I can’t be bothered to type the story here. But yea you get my point)

At least show some care la. Why so mercenary?  I’m still your patient right?

Sighs. My future is uncertain again. The only sliver lining is the fact that he told me my spine will take years to recover and I hope I wont get up-pes.

God please see me through this storm. I’m tired from worrying, tired from being frustrated and worn out.

Negative thoughts, go away

This blog is has become an avenue where I thrash my thoughts cos I don’t think many people suscribe to it anyway.

Lol.

Sometimes I really feel unwanted. The phrase 无事不蹬三宝店 is so apt. People don’t think of you when you’re not of use. When they knock at your doorstep, you know something is required out of you.

I really really really don’t want to feel this way.

Take for example. I have 2 best friends but they seem to be so preoccupied at times that I’m just “discarded” at the back of their heads. Come on, dropping me a text or giving me a ring takes only 5 minutes at most.

Then I try to take initiative. Gets rejected most of the time due to their schedule. Ayah, this is perplexing.

Dear God, I am angsty. Why do they matter to me? should I put less importance on them? Are friends just people who have fun with you? Where are the promises? Do they fade with time?

Im really getting cynical. Its growing with age. I used to reject what my parents said. Friends are temporary. They wouldnt last. Is that true God?

Who understands me? I dont really confide these feelings cos I’d feel vulnerable and open, and I need to feel absolutely protected when I share.

I long to feel wanted, feel loved, feel that I’m of help, feel that Im important.

Why? beneath the happy, hopeful self is an empty shell of what used to be.

Please, If you are there oh Lord, answer my cries, and give me an answer to all these. Satisfy my longings and make me whole again.

Birthday afterthoughts

I’ve had the best party in my life. Though it was just a small scale event, I’m sure everyone felt the warmth and coziness when we’re gathered together.

My heartfelt thanks go out to Siang Hui, Matthew, Cynthia, Alan, Jinyi and Caleb for lending me a hand in both planning and executing this party. It was an overwhelming success.

I felt loved by my friends and family. In retrospect, I’m glad that they’re so intricately weaved into my life. I’m richer not just by material gifts but I value more on the fountain of relationships.

Photos of the event can be found in the URL provided below:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116381&id=672086995

For those who cant access the pictures do drop me a comment or sms. I’d be more than happy to let you bask in the fun we had.

As quoted from the tagline in Cynthia’s album, “Friends are God’s gift” . I pray that I’d never take anyone for granted, because when God gives, God also has the rights to take it away from you. Cherish the people who left a footprint down your memory lane.

10 years, 20 years, 100 years later, I know we’d be linked in our hearts till forever, even when God calls us home to him. We’d meet in heaven! Thats a promise. -Chris, to the 2 whom I still cherish so much. =)

Turbulence

WHY?

Am I in this situation again? When all is calm and placid, I can feel a storm starting to stir in my heart again.

I hate changes, especially being uprooted from a place where I’ve settled down.

This is unnerving, and I’m having a nervous breakdown.

Please Lord, I need peace. I need a sense of security.

November 18th is my next pes status review. With this uncertainty, thoughts and possibilities are rampaging through my mind. Grr.

How can I learn to depend on God on this? Why cant I trust God implicitly? I’m still in the process of recovering, from the trauma of the bastards in seletar camp and the injury I sustained.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Send me someone to comfort me. I need an angel.

On a brighter note, I’m receiving positive comments that I’ve improved in dance. =) This is the only cheery thought I habour now. sighs

An imperfect me

I still feel jittery when im left out by my friends. Then i feel guilty when I turn down or am unable to attend any invitations.

Why is it that I still struggle over trivial things like that. Or maybe cause those relationships really mean something to me.

I still yearn to see relationships, friendship and kinship blossom. I guess Im most sad when I see no possibilities for growth, or when it’s stagnant.

I hope, that my family will get to know God for themselves, and caleb to return to church.

And I hope that my dream will not remain as a dream. =)

Another milestone

I’m smitten with the userability and functionality of WP. Their templates swoon me with their simplicity and elegance.

Hence, I’ve decided to blog hop and settle my new nest here. This marks a new beginning and au revoir to memoryofy.blogspot.com. It sounds darn cheesy anyway.

Welcome, to my world of dance.

PS: I’d transform this blog soon with the help of bjorn! =D